Meanwhile, several blocks away, another kid was running around causing general chaos as his mother verbally berated him from the sidelines, doing more to egg him on than to ease the situation.

What did I learn from each of these situations?

• The father had patiently sat with his son and helped him work through the emotions he was feeling.
• The mother impatiently yelled at her kid, demanding his change.

Where the father exercised patience, he was rewarded by seeing his kid calm down. His kindness helped his son come to terms with his emotional state and move forward.

This experience reminded me of a quote from the Love Dare for Parents

“Patience is how love diffuses something negative. Kindness is how love initiates something positive. One takes a deep breath; the other breathes out life.“

Where do you need to practice more patience and kindness throughout your day?

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In a few short weeks my daughter, and first child, will wiggle her way into this strange new world. A world outside the warm, comfort, and safety of her mother’s womb. Every day brings a new realization of what it means to be a father to a daughter. I am not ready! 

Psychologists tell us that fathers have an incredible influence on the development of their daughters. A father can crush a little girls spirit or raise her soaring over the mountains on eagle’s wings with a word. Girls need their daddy to tell them they are strong and beautiful, and worth fighting for. She needs her father to believe in her.

When I was a teen the youth pastor at my church continually placed me in challenging leadership roles. In areas I was not confident in and did not believe I could succeed. When I thought I would surely fail he would sit down next to me, look me right in the eye, and tell me he believed in me. His belief changed my life. To this day I feel the effects of it and strive to pass it on to all of you.

Belief is powerful. We humans all need someone to believe in us. Belief gives us the strength to carry on, the power to persevere in trying times, belief tells us we have worth.

When was the last time you told the people close to you that you believe in them? Take some time and do it today.

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One of the core tenants of great communication is an underlying emphasis on adding value to people. When asking a person to change it is easy to slip into confrontational language and receive a defensive response.

For example: “In our marketing meetings, you never ask for my opinions!”

Such language is directed at the receiver and the instinctual choice is to fight back or admit defeat, an emotional response. Neither of which we particularly enjoy.

By changing the wording a bit to neutral language you can achieve the results you set out for without causing an emotional upheaval. 

For example: “In our marketing meetings, I would like more opportunities to contribute my opinion. I have ideas I think could move us forward. How can we make that happen?”

Adding that little question at the end takes it a step further and puts the receiver in control. They will more than likely approve your request to look like the good person!

Think about some recent interaction you have had with people. What type of language did you use? What was its impact? How can you integrate neutral language into your everyday speech patterns?

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In The Next Generation, Worf gave some profound advice that has resonated with me for years.

“Thinking about what you cannot control only wastes energy and creates its own enemy.”

Living our own lives is a lot of work! Trying to control a person or situation not under your influence is a waste of energy. We only have so much energy to expend and if we use it all on something out of our control there will be no energy left for those things near and dear to use, things we have an impact on.

Don’t waste your energy on something you cannot control.

Focus on things within your realm of influence.

Take a hard look at your life. What are you expending unnecessary energy on?

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Having a good word of advice to pull someone out of their rough time may not be readily available, but what is possible is providing validation and hope. Validation for their feelings and situation. Hope that they will make it through and the sun is still shining outside.

My friend Jodie shared a list with me that I want to share with you. Many phrases on the list have been said to me and were not helpful. Included are simple ways to change the phrase that provides validation and hope.

Validation and HopeToxic PositivityThink about how you talk to someone going through a rough patch. What words of validation and hope are you providing?

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It can be easy to overlook this, because after all, that is why they are being paid right? Even so, the person receiving the note will be more inspired and more loyal to the team.

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As leaders, we are focused on building high performance teams that kick butt and take names, but great leaders know they must go further. Great leaders get to know their people on a personal level, and even go so far as to assist them personally. 

Several years ago I took a few months off work to take care of a sick family member in another state. When I returned it I had a hard time getting a place to rent. I was being turned down due to the gap in employment with the reason that it looked like I was not stable. The CEO of my company heard of my struggles and personally visited the manager of the place I really wanted to live. His assurances got me an apartment the same day. We are no longer at the same company, but to this day I would still bend over backward for him. 

Get to know your team at a personal level and you will inspire confidence, respect, and loyalty in them.

What are you doing to get to know your team members?

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As I drove home I pondered how this particular leader was able to resolve such a contentious issue so quickly and easily when nobody else had been able to in the last four years I had been on the board and came up with the following:

• Came prepared with cold hard facts– This step removed the emotional element that caused fighting in the first place.
• Showed why it was necessary to resolve now and not kick further down the road– Put the team on the hook to provide a resolution.
• Provided a strong why– This inspired the team to want to come up with their own solution that they felt good about.
• Gave a starting framework for the discussion– Gave infinite freedom within definite bounds. 
• Laid out his idea for resolution– Provided a starting point for the discussion. He also purposefully provided a solution more extreme than needed knowing that some team members would want to scale it back and “compromise” on a moderate solution.
• Allowed the team to discuss within his framework and define a new solution– This really allowed the team to come together as a single mind (a mastermind) and create a stellar solution.
• Summed it up and put out the final resolution– Based on the team’s feedback, he distilled down the resolution (which came very close to his!) and set the new course.

How can you integrate the “why” into your situation to get a resolution?

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When I read reports from studies asking people near the end these questions they all wish they had spent more time with their family and friends, none of them wished they had spent more time at the office.

Many people place a high value on money and never think about their time. When you run out of money you can go make more when you run out of time it is over. You can choose whether or not you spend money, but time is out of your control and it is nearly impossible to know how much time is left in your time bank. 

Time is more valuable than money. Be careful how you spend it. Ensure you are getting the best exchange rate for your time spent. 

Where are you spending your time?

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