As I drove home I pondered how this particular leader was able to resolve such a contentious issue so quickly and easily when nobody else had been able to in the last four years I had been on the board and came up with the following:

• Came prepared with cold hard facts– This step removed the emotional element that caused fighting in the first place.
• Showed why it was necessary to resolve now and not kick further down the road– Put the team on the hook to provide a resolution.
• Provided a strong why– This inspired the team to want to come up with their own solution that they felt good about.
• Gave a starting framework for the discussion– Gave infinite freedom within definite bounds. 
• Laid out his idea for resolution– Provided a starting point for the discussion. He also purposefully provided a solution more extreme than needed knowing that some team members would want to scale it back and “compromise” on a moderate solution.
• Allowed the team to discuss within his framework and define a new solution– This really allowed the team to come together as a single mind (a mastermind) and create a stellar solution.
• Summed it up and put out the final resolution– Based on the team’s feedback, he distilled down the resolution (which came very close to his!) and set the new course.

How can you integrate the “why” into your situation to get a resolution?

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Before speaking with the person you need to ensure you fully understand why the confrontation is necessary. Spend some time thinking through their possible reactions. Though you should prepare for some backlash, I have found that following these ten points makes the conversation easier; I call them the Ten Commandments of confrontation:

1. Do it privately, not publicly. Public confrontation creates embarrassment and often results in a defensive attack.
2. Do it as soon as possible. Waiting increases your apprehension and may catch them off guard from something they had assumed was ok.
3. Speak to one issue at a time. Don’t overload the person with a long list of issues.
4. Once you’ve made a point, don’t keep repeating it.
5. Deal only with actions the person can change. If you ask the person to do something he or she is unable to do, frustration builds in your relationship.
6. Avoid sarcasm. Sarcasm signals that you are angry at people, not at their actions, and may cause them to resent you.
7. Avoid words like always and never. Such generalizations detract from accuracy and make people defensive.
8. Present criticisms as suggestions or questions if possible.
9. Don’t apologize for the confrontational meeting. Doing so detracts from it and may indicate you are not sure you had the right to say what you did.
10. Don’t forget the compliments. Use what I call the “sandwich” in these types of meetings: Compliment-Confront-Compliment.

What prevents you from confronting someone?
How can you use the Ten Commandments of confrontation?

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