One of the core tenants of great communication is an underlying emphasis on adding value to people. When asking a person to change it is easy to slip into confrontational language and receive a defensive response.

For example: “In our marketing meetings, you never ask for my opinions!”

Such language is directed at the receiver and the instinctual choice is to fight back or admit defeat, an emotional response. Neither of which we particularly enjoy.

By changing the wording a bit to neutral language you can achieve the results you set out for without causing an emotional upheaval. 

For example: “In our marketing meetings, I would like more opportunities to contribute my opinion. I have ideas I think could move us forward. How can we make that happen?”

Adding that little question at the end takes it a step further and puts the receiver in control. They will more than likely approve your request to look like the good person!

Think about some recent interaction you have had with people. What type of language did you use? What was its impact? How can you integrate neutral language into your everyday speech patterns?

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Before speaking with the person you need to ensure you fully understand why the confrontation is necessary. Spend some time thinking through their possible reactions. Though you should prepare for some backlash, I have found that following these ten points makes the conversation easier; I call them the Ten Commandments of confrontation:

1. Do it privately, not publicly. Public confrontation creates embarrassment and often results in a defensive attack.
2. Do it as soon as possible. Waiting increases your apprehension and may catch them off guard from something they had assumed was ok.
3. Speak to one issue at a time. Don’t overload the person with a long list of issues.
4. Once you’ve made a point, don’t keep repeating it.
5. Deal only with actions the person can change. If you ask the person to do something he or she is unable to do, frustration builds in your relationship.
6. Avoid sarcasm. Sarcasm signals that you are angry at people, not at their actions, and may cause them to resent you.
7. Avoid words like always and never. Such generalizations detract from accuracy and make people defensive.
8. Present criticisms as suggestions or questions if possible.
9. Don’t apologize for the confrontational meeting. Doing so detracts from it and may indicate you are not sure you had the right to say what you did.
10. Don’t forget the compliments. Use what I call the “sandwich” in these types of meetings: Compliment-Confront-Compliment.

What prevents you from confronting someone?
How can you use the Ten Commandments of confrontation?

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